One Mother's Feelings on the First Day of School

Yesterday, I bought a new baby carrier for my 1-year-old. Today, everyone is back to school. Is there a connection??

The whole family walked into Will & Clara's school together, but quickly dispersed. Clara and Will found friends, as did Jeff and I amongst the parents. I actually didn't even get a real hug goodbye from either child. Holding squirmy John makes that challenging, and everyone was happy, so we just walked away. From the oldest two, that is.

I know that there are so many different feelings on the first day back to school. My pattern is to cry much of the day, out of sadness missing their presence, and just sad that they're growing up so quickly. But it's a bit easier this time. The kids are ready, excited even. That's happy! Not sad. And everyone is healthy, and generally optimistic, and open-hearted. That's happy! Will is psyched about his lice check. That's happy! Clara is psyched to find Will at recess. That's happy!?? And I get to be there to pick them up, rather than be in an office. That's happy! And in between, I am actually getting some time to myself (with a sleeping child). That's wonderful!

There are so many transitions in life - so many beginnings and endings. So many of the transitions are marked by public rights of passage - like a new grade at school. But, I'd rather not take ALL my emotional ques from these events. I can choose some of my own triggers.

So I do feel sad and a little empty, but ok with it. I'll have a little less kids, but a little more time to play music in my life. A little less fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants parenting, and a little more order, in our house and maybe our heads, too. A little less constant energy in our home, but a little more room to think about the energy we want in it.

You never know how the feelings from transitions will manifest themselves. If I thrive on that craziness, on that inability to ever really feel on top of things, (and honestly, much of the time, I do), I can always get chickens, a dog, and some bunnies. The kids would love it!